Phil,

I have a counseling intake appointment tomorrow. It is with the same woman that I got counseling from the semester after I was depressed in Oxford so she knows some of my background but not the recent stuff. I’ve thought that I might have needed it since I’ve had five panic attacks in the last three weeks, which isn’t tons but that’s almost two a week, which I can’t handle with school and everything now. My crying fit last week was kind of my breaking point though. I’ve just been really scared lately that I’ll crack and have to take another leave of absence like I had to my junior year. I hoped that I could just deal with things on my own but with how I’ve been feeling lately, I didn’t want to wait to see a therapist until things got really bad and school got even more stressful. I decided that I should just deal with it now while things are still so-so.

The hard thing is that some days I’m totally fine and I don’t think I’ll need a counselor. I think I’ve just gotten really good about distracting myself. When I’m distracted with things to do and classes all day and my roommate is around to keep me company, I’m fine. However, things get bad most of the time when I’m alone in my apartment and am not able to distract myself with something.

When I wake up on the days that I don’t have class, which is every day except Tuesday and Thursday, I just wish I could stay asleep forever. It is so peaceful in my sleep. I never want to wake up. I just never feel like there is anything worth while to wake up for. All I have to look forward to on the days I don’t have class is doing homework and tackling the next stressful thing on my to do list and hoping that I’ll get a job soon. I do feel hopeful at times but I’ve just been feeling really lonely lately. I think also when I’m alone with my thoughts, I’m bombarded with negative thoughts about what happened in Oxford during my depression or my mania or even feeling guilty for what I put my family through when I ran away from home when I was manic. It’s like I can’t watch a movie or a show that even brings up the slightest remembrance of one of those bad memories without all of the memories flooding my mind and getting a sick feeling in my stomach. It’s really bad because I don’t really know how to cope with it or deal with it, which is what I hope counseling will do for me. Writing this out helps, but I think I need more help than that.

Phil,

No Credit Card

No Credit Card (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I just completed my first week of school. I’m starting to get really anxious about how hard this term is going to be and when I’ll get a job. Even if I do get a job it’s going to be really time consuming and I don’t know how I’m going to be able to come emotionally and physically doing both. But I really need a job cuz my bank account is empty and I only have $50 left on my credit card after paying my rent this month.

 

One good thing is that I’m living in my apartment with my best friend, Nicole, who is Native American and from New Mexico. We’re really alike and I call her the Native American version of me. So it has been really nice living with her so far and we both have our own rooms which is nice.

 

Thank you for sending me so many letters. It always lifts me spirits when I read them. I really like the pictures you draw on them. I think I’m gonna make a collage of all the pictures on your envelopes that you sent me. I liked the post card you sent. I thought it was funny that they let you buy a card with a picture of a nude woman on it ha.

 

I’ve been feeling less depressed and just a little stressed out lately which is good.

 

Sending my love,

 

Ellie

 

P.S.

 

Sorry it took me so long to send me those letters to you

 

 

Phil,

 

 

 

I’m so sorry that I have not written any letters to you. I know that it’s really horrible that I do not make the time to write you. That’s part of the reason I started crying so much when I saw you. I cried because all of my feelings rushed to me of how much I miss you, how much I care about you, and how much I love you. Even though I have visited you several times, I know that it is not enough, especially since you have written me so many times. When you were explaining to me how you would sit in your cell and hope that you would get a letter from me, I pictured myself in your shoes and I knew that I would be soooo sad if I wrote someone as much and you write me and that you did not even get one letter in return. I really hope that you can forgive me.

 

 

 

The other reason why I was crying is that I have been pretty emotional lately. I will write you another letter about my emotional night this past Friday.I think my bipolar meds might be putting me in a bit more of a depressive state now. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday. I’ll let you know how that goes and what he thinks. There have also been two days this week where I felt really anxious because of all of the things I have to do in general and now the things I have to do to get ready to start school next week. When I had these anxiety attacks, I had to take some of my sister’s anxiety medication to make myself feel better. So, I’m going to talk to my psychiatrist about possibly getting emergency anxiety meds incase I get another attack.

 

 

 

It was so nice seeing you today. I really liked that I could see your handsome face. It made me really happy and sad at the same time. It was nice seeing you because I love seeing your smile and the joy in your eyes and all of the good memories we had together that I remember when I see you. But it made me sad because I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever and it makes me sad you are stuck in a cell, and I can’t hug you, and I can only see you behind a piece of glass, and especially since I feel like I made you feel like I don’t love or appreciate you since I don’t make the time to visit you more or write you letters.

 

 

 

Unfortunately the crying did not end after I let the visitation hours at the jail. When I left it was obvious that I had cried so I talked to your mom and cried more. Then when I was at home, I watched that movie called “My Girl” where the little girl’s best friend dies and it reminded me that I need to make time for and cherish my loved ones because we never know when they will go which reminded me of you and I read the three-paged letter you send me after you heard me cry on the phone to you and I sobbed the loudest I had in a long time as I read it.

 

 

 

So I decided that I needed to get me feelings out by writing a blog journal, then I got the brilliant idea of having a section of my blog being titled “Letters to Phil” so it will be journal-like letters to you that I can get me thoughts and feelings out to you in a letter form, what you’ve been waiting for me to do the whole time. It will be good accountability either way becuase I’ve been meaning to write you forever and I really need to start journaling since it’s very therapeutic for me. So, I’ll get two-in-one which will be an extra enouragement for me cuz I love 2-in-1s lol.

 

 

 

I love you so much Phil and miss you tons. I wish you were here to hug my lil crying face right now.

 

 

 

Love,

 

 

 

Ellie

 

 

 

Phil,

I have been feeling really emotional lately. On Friday I got off work around 10pm and my sisters were at my church’s college ministry group party. I was hoping that my sisters would pick me up from work so I could catch the end of the get-together but neither of them answered their phones so I had to get picked up by my mom. I was a little bummed that I didn’t go to the get-together but I didn’t think that I would mind that much.

But as the night went on, I was kinda annoyed that I was just hanging out at home on a Friday night and I started thinking about everything that my sisters were having fun doing and that I was missing out on. I was a little annoyed that they didn’t keep their phones next to them and that they didn’t really have me in mind or think of me and consider that they should see if I could make it to the end of it. I know that it is partly my fault because I didn’t communicate to them that I wanted to go and for them to make it a priority to pick me up so I could  catch the end of it but I think it was more of the thought than anything. I might have not even had much fun if I would have gone.

The problem was that I was at home on a Friday night, thinking of everything I could have done, and what I was missing out on. I started feeling lame and bored, but I had work at 1pm the next day so I couldn’t stay out too too late anyways. So, I decided I would just go to sleep. That’s when my bummed out feeling all of a sudden turned to sadness… I just laid in my bed and cried. I felt so lonely and alone. I was at my parents’ house, both of my sisters out, and the first to go to sleep on a Friday night. I didn’t even know the true reason why I was crying. I just felt sad and lonely. I wanted a friend to comfort me.

I texted one of my friends that knows some about my bipolar disorder and he was busy. So then I called another friends and talked to him for a bit which comforted me a little by reminding me that I do have friends that care about me, but I wasn’t able to explain much of how I was feeling to him because I haven’t told him my whole story before. My friend that I first texted reminded me that the feeling should pass and that I should just tried to sleep. At first I thought that the comment seemed a little cold, but I took his advice and finally fell asleep.

When I woke up in the morning, I kept hitting my snooze button like I did when I was depressed and just wanted to sleep forever… I really hope I’m not getting depressed.

Hopefully I’ll do better tomorrow.

Sending my love,

Ellie

Posted: February 1, 2012 in Uncategorized

Here is a post I found on “Voices of Glass” about Bipolar Disorder and Sleeping Patterns. Click on the link and follow it so you can take part in the poll 🙂

Voices of Glass

Ok here is something different and please understand that this is new to me and so I am still muddling my way through it all – so please bear with me.

As a result of my own experiences, an article I read recently and a subsequent post that I published here on Voices of Glass, the whole question of sleep patterns within people who suffer from Bipolar Disorder has started to really interest me.

So in response to this I thought I would draw up a little poll or three and invite folk to share their own experiences.

I really hope you enjoy doing this and that I haven’t messed up the design of it.

Below you will find three very short polls.  All you have to do is choose one answer that is most accurate for you personally in each of the three sections.

Due to the way the…

View original post 147 more words

My most extreme manic episode lasted about 2-3 weeks. So there is alot to tell about that story. Right now I am just going to give you an idea of the intensity of my mania at the height of it and how it made me feel and some of the things I did as a result.

When I was manic, it was like I could not control it. I would have sudden urges to just get up and walk for miles. I felt so restless. It’s crazy because for about 2 weeks I would probably sleep for only about 5 hours a night. Then I would spend my days walking for miles on end around my city from very early in the morning to late at night. For some reason I never felt very tired or hungry.

I just felt so connected to nature, God, and people. I felt that God had a purpose for me to enlighten them about Him and the beauty of the earth and  how to have joy and be happy. My mind was always racing and I would piece ideas together or have a dream and think that they were revelations from God. I also came up with this idea with this logical formula how my name, if written in Hebrew phonetically, would mean “little god.” After this, I got really excited thinking about how God made us in His image so, in a way, we are all little gods. I thought that I was some sort of prophet or messiah and that I was meant to tell the world this. Later on, I had a dream that I was walking on the beach and I was able to part the sea like Moses did in the Old Testament. After that dream, I thought that I literally had powers, but they were located in the area of our brain that everyone says we don’t use, so I just had to learn how to harness my powers.

It may seem like from all of that craziness, that was all my mind could handle, but my mind was racing a mile a minute. Everything I saw, everyone I met, and everything I learned reminded me of something. I couldn’t focus on one subject for too long. I felt like my future had endless possibilities and nothing bad could happen to me. I came up with dozens of possible career plans. I wanted to join a circus, circumnavigate the globe, hitch hike down the beach from California all the way to visit my friend in Argentina, make a documentary on homelessness, travel around the country on a bus, etc. Then there were things that were a little riskier that I wanted to do, I went from wanting to model, to being a burlesque dancer, to thinking of even maybe getting involved in adult films.

Another thing I did while I was manic is overspending. I went to my local outdoor mall and applied to get credit cards at Macys, Express, Nordstroms, and Victoria’s Secret. Over a couple of days, I maxed out each card and now I had a rolling suitcase full of things I bought to carry around with me. Unfortunately, what I didn’t realize at the time was that I was also now carrying around a large baggage of debt, which I still have to pay off today.

I started dressing very gregariously and suggestively and paired with dragging a suitcase along with me every where, I could only guess how odd I looked. However, despite my weird dress, many people seemed to like talking to me and many people gave me their phone numbers or emails and said they wanted to hang out more. Though it is true that I could tell that some people were annoyed with me, but I didn’t care, I was high and no one could take me down.

At the beginning of my manic episode, I ran away from home because I thought that they were trying to control me and take over my life, so I was constantly trying to find places to stay. I knew that my family was worried about me but I just felt like this was something I had to do. So, the main risky behavior that I took part in was staying at peoples’ houses that I just met and having many sexual encounters. It’s interesting because many of the people I had sexual encounters with I normally would not be attracted to. Many of the places I stayed at were guys houses and two of them were men in their 50’s. I didn’t sleep with them and it did seem a little uncomfortable staying with them at the time, but I was desperate to have a place to sleep. One night, I couldn’t find a place to sleep so I just stayed up all night at a Dennys.

Obviously there are alot more little stories within this big story but this just gives you an idea of what I went through. Have any of you had similar experiences as me? Leave a question/ Comment

You Can Do It Lake Huron Beach Oscoda Trip 9-2...

Image by stevendepolo via Flickr

I haven’t written a poem in a really long time but I randomly decided to write a poem to see if it would help motivate me to stop with all of the procrastinating I’ve done today. Here it goes:

 

Can’t focus

All these thoughts running through my head

So much to do

But my body just feels dead

My brain hurts, my body is weak

I just can’t comprehend how I’ll get through this week

 

Come on focus, you can do it

Stop procrastinating and put your mind to it

You can do it, you can do it

I just keep telling myself

But I guess I’ll just have to stop what I’m doing and use force, if nothing else

 

Get something accomplished, don’t be a bum

You are smart, or at least smarter than some

You have a purpose, just get a little done at a time

Now do what you’ve got to do and stop this little rhyme